Monday, March 16, 2015


Today, boys and girls, Uncle Willie is going to introduce you to a new term – Frontgating. “What is that?” you say. Well allow me to explain.

I have prepared visual aids (Don't worry my doctor said they are not contagious).

Everyone knows that tailgating is when you , or someone else, drives too close to the back of another vehicle. This is a bad thing. Most states have a law that states that for every 10 miles an hour there should be one car length between you. They sometimes state it in terms of seconds, but I like the length rule. For example if you are going 10 MPH you should be 1 car length away from the car in front of you. At 20 mph- 2 car lengths and etc. At 100 MPH you should be on a racetrack or the Autobahn not a US highway.


However, frontgating is when someone, hopefully you are smart enough to not do this, swerves in front of you within inches of your bumper.

For example: I am driving down the interstate. I drive an 8 – 14k pound truck depending on what I am towing. I am in the right hand lane doing the speed limit. In the left hand lane is a wall of 80,000 pound semi trucks. Idiot driver comes down the on ramp matches my speed right beside my truck. IN front of me is 5 car lengths, behind me is 40 miles of clear lane. Idiot driver speeds up, swerves in front of my truck, and takes a layer of chrome off the bumper, then slows down. Idiot driver is frontgating. IT should be legal to slam into Frontgater and push him into the trees.

Another example: I am in said 8-14k pound vehicle on a 4 lane road (it doesn't matter which lane I am in). I am approaching a stop light. In front of me is enough room for me to stop and not spill my coffee and a bus load of orphan kindergarten kitten nuns (OKKN). Behind me there is enough room for a 747 to land. Idiot driver in the other lane traveling the same direction as I am roars up beside me, sees the opening between me and the bus full of OKKN and swerves in front me me causing me to lock up the brakes, spill my coffee on the windshield, and then stops short of the OKKN. It should be legal to exit my vehicle and empty my thermos full of scalding hot coffee on the heads of these frontgaters.
(I just noticed I left the Justice off the last frame)

Yet another example: I am piloting aforementioned large heavy truck on a 2 lane road. Ahead there is a side road intersection with a stop sign. As I approach at the speed limit (55 mph) I see a vehilce - usually an older luxury type automobile driven by someone who came of voting age during WWI or any aged person with a cell phone stuck to their head - approach the stop sign, almost stop, then slowwwwwwwwwly pull our right in front of my truck. As I leave skid marks on the blacktop, and my jockeys, they accelerate to approximately 1/3 of the speed limit and stay there. They pay no attention to the loud horn on my truck or the multiple tires on the truck and trailer attempting to peel the pavement up. These Frontgaters should be beaten with a stop sign until they understand the error of their ways.

Then there is one more class of Frontgater. He is more dangerous than the rest. I am driving the leviathan down the interstate. There is one of those super long on and off ramps to the left that is about a mile and a half long. On this on/off ramps there is a car – usually already wrecked, undoubtedly uninsured, meandering along, is a driver who does not know what mirrors are for. Nor is he capable of turning his head. He trots down the lane and gets almost in front of my truck and changes lanes. When my horn sounds ( and at that point his head is about even with it) he swerves back into his lane, accelerates slightly, then pulls out again with only the sound waves from the horn separating us – and slows down. It should be legal to run this Frontgater over, take his wallet and any loose change from his car, set the car on fire, and take his pants.

What brings these things to light. Well today I had to drive to Charlotte. Fortunately we did not have the trailer so I was right at 8000 pounds. Every single one of those examples happened during the trip.

I have a set of 150db air horns in the shop. This week they are going on the truck. Along with possibly a pneumatic ram to swat the Frontgaters off the earth.

Disclaimer:Uncle Willie does not condone road rage violence to be used in the instance of encountering a frontgater. This blog isin no means a legal document. If you attack a frontgater – no matter how satisfying it may be – you will be arrested and put in a jail cell with a guy named bubba who things you have a pretty smile. This goes for women too. Drive safely – don't be a frontgater!