Sunday, December 23, 2007

Real trucks

My brother and I were talking about trucks and we began to discuss what makes a real truck. Not a little prissy pansey thing that never sees the dirt, but a real honest to goodness Real Truck.

Here is what we decided.

My truck falls under the category of a real truck.
Real trucks have scratches and dents.
Scratches scuffs and scrapes are trophies on a real truck.
Many parts on the truck maybe be factory but not necessarily to that truck.
If it fell of going down the road, you didn’t need it anyway.
If it is loud it’s a good truck, if it is quiet, it needs to be worked on more.
If at any point someone asks, “Is it supposed to be that way, I mean it just doesn’t look right”, you might have a real truck
Real trucks can be 4 wheel drive and 2 wheel drive. 4 wheel drives just break more often and are more fun to break, also more expensive to repair.
A 4 wheel drive truck can get stuck twice as far from civilization, twice as bad, and will be twice as hard to get out, and most likely, you will break something you wouldn’t have if you had a 2 wheel drive.
Real trucks have mud on them, you can clean it top and bottom, you can clean it with a tooth brush, and it will still have mud.
Real truck are dirty more than they are clean.
Real trucks don’t say ford or dodge on them.
Real trucks have accessories, no not the chrome ones, accessories like trailers to haul other not real trucks, other accessories for real trucks include winches and trailer hitches
Chains aren't an accessory, they are a necessity no real truck should be without.
A real truck breaks chains.
If a real truck is in an accident, the police officer will have to ask you to point out the damage caused in the wreck.
If you have never ticked off the guy at the local car wash for leaving the wash bay full of mud rust and oil, you don’t have a real truck.
Real trucks come in many colors - often all on the same truck.
You might have a real truck if you friend calls to borrow it because he doesn't want to get his truck dirty.
Real trucks aren’t pink.
Real trucks require tetanus shots.
If a real truck gets shot no one notices.
Real trucks have engines sizes bigger than your in-laws IQ.
Washing a real truck involves driving it down the creek.
The tires on a real truck are the same size but not necessarily the same brand.
Real truck are parked all by themselves at Wal-Mart not for fear of scratches, but because no one will park near them.
Real trucks do not need a paved parking spot.
If you run over a VW and don’t touch it you have a real truck.
Real trucks can carry more than they weigh.
Brakes? what’s that, I just gear down.
Real trucks aren't afraid of water; they float on it, or drive through it.
If you wreck a real truck you will most likely increase the value of it.
Real trucks don't get cut off in traffic, honestly, people are afraid of it.
The people at the parts store know you as the guy that drives that big truck.
You can use your truck as an alibi, as in “Honest officer I was stuck down in the woods all day, just ask anyone”.
Real trucks can be fixed with a ball peen hammer and duct tape.
The bumper stickers on a real truck aren’t for show they are holding it together.
The air conditioner is a fancy option your truck used to have.
The radio, probably cost more then your truck, and it came from the blue light sale at k-mart.
You have a gun rack, but don't currently own any guns.
you can stand under a real truck to do an oil change.
Real truck have floors made of street signs.
Useful modifications to your real truck are made from wood.
Leaving the window in a real truck down in the rain is no big deal it will just run out the holes in the floor.
Real trucks always have parts in the bed, just in case, especailly if the before mentioned truck is 4 wheel drive.
Not all real trucks have back bumpers, because it still chained to the back of someone else real truck.
The pine tree in a real truck isn’t an air freshener on the mirror; it is stuck in the grill, and still has squirrels in it.
Real trucks don’t come in pastel colors.
Getting a new key made for a real truck involves going to the hardware store and looking at screwdriver.
If you have a horn but it can’t be heard over the engine you may have a real truck.
Air bags are under the truck, not in it.
Locking your truck doesn’t refer to the doors but the axles.
You never lock a real truck, no one wants it anyway.
Your dog thinks the passenger’s seat belongs to her.
A real trucks owner thinks a security system is taking the battery with him.
A real trucks security system is a pile of cans in the floorboard.
The interior of a real truck can be cleaned with a garden hose.
Little children old women and small animals may be scared of a real truck.
A real trucks tailgate can be used method to get out of a mud hole.
The entertainment system in a real truck consists of two lawn chairs and a clear starry sky.
Someone asks what kind of sound system you have and you reply FlowMasters.
A real truck might go missing, but you never worry, your friend is using it to pull out his real truck.
You might have a real truck if you have ever used it to plug a hole in the cattle fence.
You never put more then $20 in gas in a real truck, not because you can't afford it, but because it will start to spill out on the ground.
A real truck can be used to measure the depth of the pond.
Your wife may leave you, your dog may run off, your boss may fire you, but a real truck will never let you down.
When a real truck has a full tank of gas it is either stolen, or your buddy filled the second tank up when he borrowed it and it’s not hooked up.
If your truck can be used as a form of ID you have a real truck.
The paint on a real truck can be touched up with any color Krylon.
You may not want to look behind the seat of a real truck; live animals may be living there.
Any size tire can be used on a real truck, if it won't fit, just drink a beer and grab your saw-zall.
If you drive a real truck all your neighbors know you are coming home long before you get there.
The son of the owner of a real truck, always wins at my daddy’s truck is bigger.
A real truck can be used as a hunting blind.
If your neighbors don't let you park in front of your house you may have a real truck.
It is possible to get your new boots muddy by getting in a real truck.
Real trucks can be used in place of a chainsaw for tree removal.
A real truck can and has been driven through a house.
When some punk in a rice rod pulls up next to you at a light with his "music" blaring you always have the option of running him over with a real truck.
A real truck has bullet holes from the inside out.
A real truck will have to be turned off when going through the drive though at the Taco Bell so you can place your order.
You work on a real truck in the drive way because it won’t fit in your garage.
The only way you can see in the rain in a real truck is if your buddy hangs out the window and moves you wipers for you.
The ice scraper on a real truck is a flattened beer can.
Your pretty new truck is sitting in the driveway, because you pulled the motor to get your real truck running.
A real truck has been used more than once to pull out a stuck tractor.
A real trucks tool box is big enough to sleep in.
A real truck lights can be used for an impromptu football field in the middle of the night, but only after everyone’s truck is stuck while waiting on another to come pull you all out.
You and your buds have never gotten in trouble for having a party in the back field, the police get stuck at the gate 80 acres away every time.
It’s a real truck if it has ever been identified for trespassing on some farmer’s property because it left parts behind.
If you have a real truck you need a second vehicle for parts runs.
When you own a real truck, before buying or renting a home, you must check how far away AutoZone is from you.
A real truck has blood mixed in its oil.
Real trucks are built by Craftsman, Snap on and Matco.
When rebuilding a real trucks engine, you might find your missing 3/8 inch racthet.
If you know your truck more intimately than your significant other you have a real truck.
Real trucks aren’t accessorized they are modified.
Real truck owners get new parts for Christmas.
The seat belt is worn in a real truck, not in case of a wreck, but to keep you from falling out.
The sun roof in a real truck was made with a shotgun.
Real trucks are door optional.
Cleaning a real truck could lead to replacing sheet metal.
Real trucks have parts attached with JB weld.

You may have a real truck …
...if your tires can be heard before your truck can be seen.
...if your tires are taller than your girlfriend
...if a good first date is seeing if you can break something out in the middle of no where
...if you run into you bud and neither of you care
...if all the deer in your freezer came from the front of your truck at 40mph
...if people say, “I’m not riding in that!”
...if when someone asks “is that big enough?" you respond, " no, but it will do for now".
...if no one else wants to park near them.

You don’t have to ask if it’s a real truck you will know it when you see it.

Got more? Let me know.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

ACK I dont have time for this.

So it has been a while since I posted anything new. Actually it has been a long time. And seeing that I am sick as a dog today I finally have time to lay hands on the keyboard and do some typing. It is kind of exciting, this is my first time being sick in a house I actually own. Woo Hoo. How fun.

The past few months have brought about many changes. I have a home and some land. I have made a few new friends. I have entered a romantic relationship for the first time since the divorce. I have two dogs, two snakes, a rat, and two fish. And my girlfriend wants another rat. I am thinking of charging admission.

It is all great fun and wonderfully exciting. I never know what will happen next. I have been so busy I haven’t even had time to read, but that is a good thing. Staying busy keeps you alert and alive, but is makes things pile up. I have three books I am working on writing that I haven’t touched in months. I have one truck in the field that needs to be painted and reassembled, one that needs a timing chain, and three that need to be disassembled sorted through and made into one good truck. I have my faithful old WarWagon that needs attention. My suburban needs servicing, and the check engine light on Steph’s Taurus stays on all the time. And to top it all off Christmas is coming, and I still haven't bought all my presents.

Ok gotta go I don’t have time to be sick. Maybe I can pencil it in for the fifth of nextember.

Maybe not.