Thursday, December 31, 2009

That's the power of stupidity

For years now I have been amazed by infomercials. I love how the people in them are total idiots. There is a guy who is too stupid to open a carton of juice so someone invented a little doodad to stab in the top of the carton to pour the juice. My favorite of years gone by was the woman who couldn't figure out how to operate her twisted knotted garden hose. The hose was so knotted it must have been a class project for 50 kindergarteners in knot tying class. Then the woman is given a hose reel and suddenly she can water her flowers. I always wondered where they got the ideas for the stupidity in the infomercials until last night I saw a new commercial that makes all infomercials pale in comparison.

I was watching TV and a new commercial for an insurance company that uses cartoon characters in their ads. I wont mention the name for this company for fear that they will send a platoon of clueless cartoon lawyers to my door.

It starts out with a construction worker trying to break concrete with a baseball bat until Erin the insurance girl pulls a jackhammer out of her purse ( not all that farfetched I have seen some of the stuff women carry in there) and suddenly the guy can do his job.

Next Erin finds a painter who is flinging paint on a wall until Erin reaches in her mighty “purse of wonders” and hands him a paint brush. Now I know some “professional” painters who may be so overcome with years of paint fumes that they forget their brush.

Then she finds a businessman (perhaps the CEO of the insurance company) who is so clueless that he is trying to send smoke signals to communicate. Erin rescues the poor man with a cell phone.

Then we find a woman who has left the grocery store with her purchases precariously piled up in her arms. The poor woman is in danger of being brained with a can of food until Erin whips out a bag and catches the poor womans food. Curiously enough it is not a ecologically friendly canvas bag, or even a paper bag, but it is the evil plastic handle bag that we all have 4 billion of in out kitchens. I found that an odd choice for a company that touts how ecologically friendly they are. ( Although the bag is plastered with a recycle symbol.) Perhaps with the jackhammer, paintbrush, and phone in her bag there was no room for a canvas bag.

Now even though they are trying to show how much easier their insurance will make you life, it seems to me that they are advertising to idiots. People to stupid to use the right tool for the job. Although, with the state of things today, that could possibly be the best marketing strategy of all. We cater to morons, call us today, or you just might hurt yourself.

Monday, March 02, 2009


Fluffy white, beautiful, lovely, bright, treacherous, slick, and wonderful. Snow is a force to be reckoned with.

Last night we got out first serious snowfall of the winter. In a matter of a few hours we had about 8 inches piled around. Abbi, our Great Pyrenees was in heaven. I think she would have stayed out in in all night and loved it. It is funny to watch a 150 pound animal bounce around like a puppy. Leo, the Jack Russell/Italian Greyhound, wasn’t so enthused. He preferred to stay on the couch in front of the heater vent.

Fortunately, nothing was hit when an apple tree split in half and fell. Oh well, I needed to trim it anyway. Now there is only half as much to prune.

We left at around 8 pm to go to Wal-Mart and get some Fritos. I had a hankering that nothing was going to satisfy. We fired up The Beast, swept off the snow from its windows, and went on out happy way. In short order we came across what I guess was Crouse’s first crash. A kid in a Ford F-150 was driving too fast and slid into the trees and blew out his airbag. He wasn’t hurt and said he would wait for his parents. Too bad it was a company truck, the guy probably lost his job.

At Wally-world we bumped into a neighbor who is an older lady. Her son was driving her in his 4wd truck, but since he has a broken ankle we decided to follow them home. The train was across the tracks so we got to take the scenic route home. Up and down hills we meandered through Cherryville and back into Crouse. The drive up a couple of the steeper hills was fun, but we made it with no problems.

At 1am I got a call from a friend who’s brother was off in a ditch with both of his cars. So again we swept the gathering snow off of the tuck and went to get him. About halfway there they called and said a tow truck had showed up and pulled him out. Funny that the guy from Wyoming got stuck in out “sissy southern snow”. So we had the fun of driving around in the snow some more.

This morning the roads were clear, the sky was clear, and it was so bright you couldn’t bear to look out the windows. The dogs had fun running around in their pen all day. When Leo got cold he just sat on Abbi. Tonight it will refreeze and I will probably get another call to pull someone out of a ditch. Or maybe I will get to sleep till tomorrow. Then get up and watch the snow melt.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Mans best friend

There is a fundamental reason that dogs are mans best friend and cats are not. You see a dog is faithful - a cat is selfish. Dogs exist to please you - cats exist to sit in your lap, but only if there isn’t a more comfortable spot available somewhere else.

When they excavated around ancient Pompeii where there had been a volcano eruption they found a little boy who couldn’t escape the river of hot lava. They found his dog laying right next to him, staying with him to the bitter end. His cat left as soon as the tuna fish was gone.

Think about this. If you decided to walk to Madagascar to study the mating habits of native tree worms your dog would be right there with you. He would encourage you, help you, hunt for you, guard you, and support you. Your cat, however, would be back at your house smoking your cigars, drinking the good scotch, and eating your ficus. If the cat did come with you it would eat the worms.

My dog follows me to the bathroom in case there is something I may need - or maybe because she knows that I am at a convenient level for head scratching. My cat, on the other hand, was in my chair a half a second after I stood up and will be mad when I get back and move him.

If someone breaks into your home you dog will be a stalwart defender of your property. Your cat is already looking at what kind of car the robber drove in case it is nicer than yours, and if it should come down to it, will scratch your eyes out trying to get away from the intruder and save his own hide.

When my cat is inside he wants to be outside. When he is outside he wants to be inside. My dog just wants to be wherever I am.

My cat wants to be on top of whatever I am doing because he thinks he should be the center of attention at all times and nothing - not even paying taxes - is more important than he is. My dog lays beside my chair and hopes I will drop a pretzel.

The dog may dig holes in the back yard in search of bugs and a cool spot to lay, but your cat will lay in the back steps in the dark trying to kill you so it can have the house to itself.

When I call my dogs name she gets all excited and comes running. To get the cats attention I must be covered in liver pate and not mind being eaten alive. If the cat digs a hole he is probably planning to bury me in it.

If I scold my dog, he will learn from it and try to do better next time. My cat, given the same scolding, will hack up a hairball in my good shoes.

If I rattle the candy corn jar my dogs will sit up and wait patiently to receive their nightly two pieces then lay back down. If I rattle the cat treats I will be disemboweled while trying to open the can and if I only give them two each they will stare at me like I have just insulted their mothers.

A dog will live with you for its entire life. You cat may just decide to move three houses down and leave no forwarding address.

My dog will take any food I give him right from my hand with no questions. My cat must inspect the food, and know where it came from, and the expiration date, and the manufacturer, and the ingredients, and the brand of truck it was shipped in before he will consider eating.

My dog hears my truck and begins to shake with anticipation and joy that her whole world and reason for existing is home. My cat hears my truck and is irritated that it interrupted his dream.

My dog will ride in my truck anywhere I go. My cat will puke in my truck if it happens to sway when the wind blows.

My dog will wag her tail when she is happy. My cat will wag his tail right before he shears my left leg in two right below the ankle.

If my dog licks my hand it is to show love an affection. If my cat licks my hand it is to see how I taste today.

You see dogs have people - cats have staff.

Now you know why dogs are mans best friend, and cats sleep with their butts in your face.