Today, boys and girls, Uncle Willie is
going to introduce you to a new term – Frontgating. “What is
that?” you say. Well allow me to explain.
I have prepared visual aids (Don't
worry my doctor said they are not contagious).
Everyone knows that tailgating is when
you , or someone else, drives too close to the back of another
vehicle. This is a bad thing. Most states have a law that states that
for every 10 miles an hour there should be one car length between
you. They sometimes state it in terms of seconds, but I like the
length rule. For example if you are going 10 MPH you should be 1 car
length away from the car in front of you. At 20 mph- 2 car lengths
and etc. At 100 MPH you should be on a racetrack or the Autobahn not
a US highway.
However, frontgating is when someone,
hopefully you are smart enough to not do this, swerves in front of
you within inches of your bumper.
For example: I am driving down the
interstate. I drive an 8 – 14k pound truck depending on what I am
towing. I am in the right hand lane doing the speed limit. In the
left hand lane is a wall of 80,000 pound semi trucks. Idiot driver
comes down the on ramp matches my speed right beside my truck. IN
front of me is 5 car lengths, behind me is 40 miles of clear lane.
Idiot driver speeds up, swerves in front of my truck, and takes a
layer of chrome off the bumper, then slows down. Idiot driver is
frontgating. IT should be legal to slam into Frontgater and push him
into the trees.
Another example: I am in said 8-14k
pound vehicle on a 4 lane road (it doesn't matter which lane I am
in). I am approaching a stop light. In front of me is enough room for
me to stop and not spill my coffee and a bus load of orphan kindergarten kitten nuns (OKKN). Behind me there is enough room for a
747 to land. Idiot driver in the other lane traveling the same
direction as I am roars up beside me, sees the opening between me and
the bus full of OKKN and swerves in front me me causing me to lock up
the brakes, spill my coffee on the windshield, and then stops short
of the OKKN. It should be legal to exit my vehicle and empty my
thermos full of scalding hot coffee on the heads of these
frontgaters.
(I just noticed I left the Justice off the last frame)
Yet another example: I am piloting aforementioned large heavy truck on a 2 lane road. Ahead there is a
side road intersection with a stop sign. As I approach at the speed
limit (55 mph) I see a vehilce - usually an older luxury type
automobile driven by someone who came of voting age during WWI or any
aged person with a cell phone stuck to their head - approach the
stop sign, almost stop, then slowwwwwwwwwly pull our right in front
of my truck. As I leave skid marks on the blacktop, and my jockeys,
they accelerate to approximately 1/3 of the speed limit and stay
there. They pay no attention to the loud horn on my truck or the
multiple tires on the truck and trailer attempting to peel the
pavement up. These Frontgaters should be beaten with a stop sign
until they understand the error of their ways.
Then there is one more class of
Frontgater. He is more dangerous than the rest. I am driving the leviathan down the interstate. There is one of those super long on
and off ramps to the left that is about a mile and a half long. On
this on/off ramps there is a car – usually already wrecked,
undoubtedly uninsured, meandering along, is a driver who does not
know what mirrors are for. Nor is he capable of turning his head. He
trots down the lane and gets almost in front of my truck and changes
lanes. When my horn sounds ( and at that point his head is about even
with it) he swerves back into his lane, accelerates slightly, then
pulls out again with only the sound waves from the horn separating us
– and slows down. It should be legal to run this Frontgater over,
take his wallet and any loose change from his car, set the car on
fire, and take his pants.
What brings these things to light. Well
today I had to drive to Charlotte. Fortunately we did not have the
trailer so I was right at 8000 pounds. Every single one of those
examples happened during the trip.
I have a set of 150db air horns in the
shop. This week they are going on the truck. Along with possibly a
pneumatic ram to swat the Frontgaters off the earth.
Disclaimer:Uncle Willie does not
condone road rage violence to be used in the instance of encountering
a frontgater. This blog isin no means a legal document. If you attack
a frontgater – no matter how satisfying it may be – you will be
arrested and put in a jail cell with a guy named bubba who things you
have a pretty smile. This goes for women too. Drive safely – don't
be a frontgater!
